My New Resolve

I have been struggling with anxiety my entire life. There have been periods of time when things have been better, when I hardly notice the anxiety at all - and then there are times when it becomes all-consuming, to the point that it really rules my life. At this point in space/time my anxiety is running the show. I have decided to try to conquer my anxiety for good. I think that this blog may help to detail some of my struggles and triumphs and help me guage my progress as well as share some of the tips I've learned with others.

Okay, now on to the good stuff. What I'm worrying about currently. I have asthma. My doctor thinks that it is only exercise induced but I am convinced that it acts up when my allergies do as well. I've tried many allergy medications but almost every single one that I've tried I've had reactions to. I believe the anti-histamines are worst. I have severe vision and balance changes. I walk into walls and can't see straight and then am convonced I'm having a stroke or have a brain tumor, which sometimes causes a panic attack. At any rate, it makes me nervous. I had some success with Claritin but then it stopped working after a while. The allergy reactions cause me discomfort too because I feel disconnected and foggy, which convinces me that indeed I do have a brain tumor. At this very point I have a bad case of bronchitis, which really is a sick joke considering my worst fear is not being able to breathe. I've been on two rounds of antibiotics and my lungs have started to clear up alittle. I am coughing a lot of mutant-looking stuff up, which only irritates my lungs further making them burn - which freaks me out. The weather here in the south is extremely warm right now and has made people's allergies go crazy as well - which I'm sure is adding to the irritation in my lungs. It has gotten bad enough over the past week that a couple of times I've begun wheezing. I have an albutorol inhaler but am afraid to take that as well because wouldn't you know it makes me panic. Steroids are good at producing some of the same syptoms of a panic attacks, which is also why having asthma and bronchitis is really a cruel punishment for someone with anxiety and panic. I've accepted that whatever higher being is out there really hates me.

I guess it comes down to one of two choices, neither of which is all that pleasant: either take the inhaler and open my airways but feel like I can't breathe because I'm having a panic attack or don't take the inhaler and feel like I can't breathe.

I guess I'm doomed to an existence of not being able to breathe.