Yesterday was one of the hardest days I think I've ever had. The night before I got only a couple of hours of sleep before I woke up with extreme anxiety. I remained awake for the rest of the night shaking, worrying about teaching my class and worrying about dying.
I got to school nervous as hell. I taught my class, went to a class of my own, and went to Matt's. Duing teaching and my own class I was extremely nervous. Duing my class , while I was sitting there, I had several panic attacks. When I got to Matt's I was extremely tired and anxious. I still had a client I was supposed to see in an hour. The panic continued to get worse until I decided I had to call my lab and let them know I couldn't see clients that night or the next (today) because I had a whole day lined up of therapy. I just didn't think I could handle it. I called my lab, talked to my supervisor, explained what was going on. He was pretty understanding, except now I have to have a meeting with the profesor I work under and he is notorious for not being very compassionate.
I have a meeting with my psychiatrist and psychologist today and I hope to get some help and advice for what to do. I was so uncomfortable last night I honestly thought I was going to have to go to the psych hospital and admit myself.
It seems the pressure of graduate school and teaching and my own beliefs about how I have to be perfect are interacting to create an extreme exascerbation of my anxiety symptoms. I am feeling desperate to find relief. I hope this all works out well.
At some point you have to hit bottom. When you do there is no choice but to get better even if it is little by little. I hope I've hit bottom or hit there soon. I truly need some relief.
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4 comments:
Kristen:
That’s horrible. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. Just remember that you’re not alone, there’s a lot of people who feel the exact same way. You’re way braver than I am, I can’t even speak in a class as a student, let alone think of teaching one! That takes a lot of courage.
Don’t beat yourself up, or obsess on the possible outcomes of your meeting with the professor, it’s not worth it. Hang in there! This too shall pass...
Hi Kristen.
I read Leila's blog, and I came across yours too. I know SO well the panic and axiety curse. I currently take paxil and klonopin on ocassion when anxiety gets really high. I'll be praying for you!
Leila and Lacy -
Thanks for the support. I went to the psychiatrist and got my meds tweaked. I anticipate things will be much better with the meds. Of course this is a temporary solution while I work in therapy on the bigger issues. My new therapist seems amazing and I cant wait to get started with him on Monday.
My meeting should go fine tomorrow. I am confident that my rough day was only that and not necessarily a pattern. I do have issues with anxiety and panic but they haven't interferred that badly until yesterday. I am much more optimistic at this point.
Kristen
(HUGS) Wow I can totally relate to your posts. I am sorry you had a bad day! Graduate school is really difficult and add work, family, friends and things from our past and present and its a recipe for panic. Be kind to yourself and try and take 15 minutes just (not) selfishly for you. You are in my thoughts.
Michelle (Cffshpgrl)
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