Health Problems and Insanity

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride lately. First, in January (New Year's Eve to be exact) I ended up getting bronchitis that lasted several weeks. Then I had a sinus infection. Then I had the trifecta: a yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, and a UTI. So I've been on a month of antibiotics. Well, I still have the yeast infection and am getting that treated. But the worst of all of this is that my pap smear came back abnormal. I have to have a colposcopy next week and their probably going to biopsy my cervix tissue.

First of all, being sick AT ALL freaks me out and sends me over the edge. Second, this is an invasive procedure. It is scary and unpleasant AND the possibility of cancer exists. And my mind will just run with that one. My allergist had me go to give blood today because he's worried I might have a compromised immune system because of all of the infections I get. On top of having cancer I am now convinced that I have AIDS. My HIV test is scheduled for Friday.

On top of all of this health shit, my professor/boss person told me I have to work an extra 4-5 hours per week because we are short staffed. So, the panic attacks, sleepless nights, constant worrying, constant preparation for teaching, going to class, going to my doctor appointments, conducting therapy, and all of the other bizillion things I do have to get crammed in to the week even further so I can make room for MORE WORK. When the hell am I supposed to take care of myself? What about exercise, meditation, ME TIME? Not to mention, when am I supposed to get my house packed up to move in 2 1/2 weeks? I explained to my PSYCHOLOGY professor that I was extremely stressed, anxious and bogged down with work and struggling to have my "own" time. To which he replied calously, "Life is stressful". I don't think he really understands the word stressful. I shouldn't have expected more form him because he was basically similarly obnoxious when I told him this past August that my dad had been diagnsoed with leukemia. In response to my apology if my work should suffer during the semester he said, "Johnny Carson went through 3 divorces and he kept a smile on his face". I suppose I should try to emulate Johnny Carson a bit more....

Changes

So...a lot has been going on with me. A lot is about to change. Unfortunately for me - that usually means anxiety. And I'm already struggling with a lot of that right now anyway. Matt and I found a place to live. A 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath duplex with a fenced in backyard for his dog. Its more expensive than what we had wanted but it is available and it is nice. The other places we looked at were real shitholes. Matt's trying to get a new job....one that will pay more and have better hours (he bartends now). This is the first time I've ever moved in with someone I've dated AND it hasn't been that long since we've been seeing each other (6 months?). I have always been extremely cautious about dating and commitment but with him it just seems so different. We really have a good working partnership and help each other out. I can't imagine living with anyone else. Plus, we're each going to have our own bedrooms for when we want/need our own space.
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Letting my professors know about my panic attacks has been kind of freeing. In all actuality, I thought that I would be worried about what they thought or how they would look at me. But as soon as I told them I really didn't care. I knew that they are just a part of me right now and that is OK. Its really relieving.
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I had my first session of EMDR. It was really interesting. You have to let your eyes follow these moving lights while talking about something anxiety-provoking or traumatic. Apparently it is supposed to help you reprocess the information so that it becomes less bothersome. I talked a lot about my past traumatic medical procedures, about feeling like I will be alone in an emergency, and some other more general fear (needles, blood). I also talked a lot about my car accident. I'm not quite yet ready to talk about these experiences in detail in this blog because they make me anxious, but hopefully soon I will be able to. The night after the session I had some nightmares about the accident. I actually think that's a good sign that my brain is reprocessing the information. We'll see.
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Teaching is going well. It's getting less anxiety-provoking. I like my class but they don't seem to grasp the ideas I'm teaching them too well. It's a little frustrating. Today we fell behind. I hope to be able to catch up this week since next Monday is their first exam. I've gotta work on creating that too.
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I have been taking a lot les medication now. If I take Klonopin it is only once a day and now it is half the dose prescribed to me. I'm taking half my dose of Ambien tonight as well. Overall, anxiety is better. Still there, still high, but better. I hope to keep reading and From Panic to Power and When Panic Attacks.
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3 Things...(Thanks Leila)

So, apparently it is now my turn to answer 6th grade-like questionnaires. Here we go.

"Three Things"

3 essentials I'd find in your purse/bag or desk:

• Klonopin
• All natural, non animal tested chapstick
• My little Don't Panic book that I made myself with tips, tricks, and reminders for how to get through an attack
  

3 people who make you laugh:

• Matt (the guy I'm dating)
• Joe (my officemate)
• George W. Bush
  

3 fears you have:

• Not being able to breathe
• Being without a "safe" person
• Failing out of school
• Teaching
  

3 goals in the coming year:

• Reduce the amount of anxiety I am experiencing
• Work on my self-esteem and self-efficacy
• Make it through the year
  

3 things that move you to tears:

• Animal cruelty
• Panic Attacks
• War
  

3 foods you love:

• Indian
• Thai
• Mexican
  

3 places you’ve been that were beautiful:

• A monastary in Jamestown, New York
• Dismals Cavern, Alabama
• The mountains in Salt Lake City, UT
  

3 experiences that have changed you forever:

• Anxiety/Panic
• My dad's recent diagnosis of leukemia
• Being in a relationship with Matt
  

3 regrets:

• Not going home to be with my family while my father was struggling with leukemia
• Not taking a year off between undergraduate and graduate school
• Trying to be perfectionistic (still a problem)
  

3 things you have to have daily:

• Books on tape for driving in the car
• Klonopin
• A phone call from someone who cares
  

3 other blogs you read:

• Post Secret
• Confessions of a Hypochondriac
• My Leftover Brainmatter
  

Drug May Help Hypochondriacs - Washington Post

Found this article on the washington post. Check it out.

Drug May Help Hypochondriacs

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And now, a real pill for your unreal illness.

Scientists report that the antidepressant Paxil helped hypochondriacs be less fearful about getting sick. In the first controlled study that compared a group of hypochondriacs given the drug with a group that got psychological talk therapy and another group that received sugar pills, the medication significantly reduced people's fears about imaginary illnesses.

Before the trial, one 40-year-old, who said he had fears starting at age 10 that he was going to die in his sleep, rated his certainty that he was suffering from a serious illness as an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. After six weeks on Paxil, his fear level dropped to a 4 -- an improvement that led him to continue the medication after the trial.

According to the standard manual of mental disorders, hypochondriasis is a potentially serious condition that can prompt people to go doctor shopping, abuse sick time at work and become complete invalids.

The study found that hypochondriacs who got cognitive behavior therapy, which encourages people to challenge the validity of their disabling beliefs, also improved -- as much as those given the drug. Researchers suggested that a combination of this talk therapy and medication might be especially effective.

The study was published this month in the American Journal of Psychiatry by researchers at Leiden University in the Netherlands and other Dutch centers. It was funded by an "educational grant" from Glaxo SmithKline, which makes Paxil.

What a Difference A Day Makes

Today was a pretty good day. Teaching went extremely well. My meeting with my prof went well...it was extremely uneventful. It went something like this:

I walk in. He closes the door and I say, "Thanks for all of your concern and for wanting to meet with me". My strategy was to make sure that I set the tone for the meeting and that concern was what the meeting was about. He asked me what had been going on and I told him I was highly anxious because of teaching and that I had a couple of rough days with panic attacks. I explained I took a day off to get myself together and to have a plan for how to deal with it. I also explained that I had taught this morning and it went really well. I told him it would probably just take some time for me to get used to teaching. He simply said it sounded like I had it under control and to let him know if there is anything he could do.

Phew.

Then family therapy went very well and I went home so happy that I put in a FULL DAY (9-6:30) for the first time in 3 weeks. And it was a good day! And wouldn't you know that when I walk in the door there is a note from the apartment office sitting on my counter. My lease will be up the beginning of March. My options are to renew for $35 more a month for a year or $25 more a month for 18 months, or $20 more a month for 24 months. I don't want to pay that much for this old apartment. And plus Matt and I had wanted to move in together in August (when his lease was up). For the past couple of years these apartments that I've lived in have offered an option of a 3-month and 6-month lease. Now they're not. But I can live month to month for $50 more a month than I'm paying now plus a monthly $100.00 fee. That's crap. So I called Matt. He's willing to move out now. Great, right? One last problem....I have a roommate. When she moved in we had talked about living here for a year. Well, now that can't happen unless: a) we pay out the ass each month or b) we live here another full year which will just put us in the same boat again next year and means I can't move in with Matt for a while. I'll feel better when I can talk to her and see what she wants to do.

But I also am not sure looking for a place and packing up and moving is going to ease my stress level any. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh well, horray for progress anyway!

Picking Up the Pieces

After yesterday's escapade, I have had to pick up the pieces. So far so good. My psychiatrist meeting went well. He's extremely careful and does not like to overload me with meds. We have to wait until the Lexapro works to get a really good idea what the next steps will be medication-wise but for the time while we are waiting I have to takeKlonopin as needed up to 4 times a day. I've been here before and have had to do the same thing (along time ago) but I will come off of this again. I also have a sleep aid which is greatly needed. I have not been sleeping or eating the past few weeks and have lost 7 pounds (at least - it might be more by now).

My psychologist seems extremely cool and I think we can work well together. We will try EMDR.
I believe some of my anxiety is from some past traumas (car accident, medical traumas) which I'm sure I will discuss in more detail. I have faith it will go well.

Right now my major faculty advisor knows I;ve been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks. I talked to her today about it. She was very supportive and even gave me some pointers on how to deal with the professor whose project I work on.

The project coordinator knows and was supportive, but for me I am not sure how much to trust him and am somewhat upset I had to tell him. The worst, though, will be talking with the professor. He is known to be unempathetic and crude. When my dad was diagnosed with leukemia back in August and I told him it might be a rough semester for me and I was apologizing in advance if my work wasn't up to its usual standard he said
Johnny Carson was able to put on a smile after 3 divorces. Can you believe that? So needless to say I'm not anticipating gushing concern. In fact, I'm fairly certain he's mostly worried about his project and if I should be seeing client at all. My job is going to be reassuring him that it was a slight hiccup and that it hasn't happened like this in the year and a half I've been working for him and that I am taking active steps to deal with it.

It's hard because I believe all of those things I;m going to tell him, but not as confidently as I will have to portray them.

Today really has been a wonderful day though and I hope it just continues to get better. I have my lecture done for tomorrow and hopefully it will run smooth. I'll have time to practice in the A.M. and then I'll have my meeting with Dr. Hardass in the afternoon. Then family therapy clinic and HOME for the weekend!!!

I just have to make it one more day....and then a little relief.

Thanks SO MUCH for all the support.

Much love.

Getting Worse

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I think I've ever had. The night before I got only a couple of hours of sleep before I woke up with extreme anxiety. I remained awake for the rest of the night shaking, worrying about teaching my class and worrying about dying.

I got to school nervous as hell. I taught my class, went to a class of my own, and went to Matt's. Duing teaching and my own class I was extremely nervous. Duing my class , while I was sitting there, I had several panic attacks. When I got to Matt's I was extremely tired and anxious. I still had a client I was supposed to see in an hour. The panic continued to get worse until I decided I had to call my lab and let them know I couldn't see clients that night or the next (today) because I had a whole day lined up of therapy. I just didn't think I could handle it. I called my lab, talked to my supervisor, explained what was going on. He was pretty understanding, except now I have to have a meeting with the profesor I work under and he is notorious for not being very compassionate.

I have a meeting with my psychiatrist and psychologist today and I hope to get some help and advice for what to do. I was so uncomfortable last night I honestly thought I was going to have to go to the psych hospital and admit myself.

It seems the pressure of graduate school and teaching and my own beliefs about how I have to be perfect are interacting to create an extreme exascerbation of my anxiety symptoms. I am feeling desperate to find relief. I hope this all works out well.

At some point you have to hit bottom. When you do there is no choice but to get better even if it is little by little. I hope I've hit bottom or hit there soon. I truly need some relief.

Tired

Today was an extremely tiring day. Well, last night was too. Last night I couldn't fall asleep. It might be side effects from the Lexapro I just recently started. I have been extremely scared to take medication but have been suffering way too much lately to really give that struggle too much energy. Anyway, I've decided to start taking it in the morning instead of at night. Maybe that will help. On the plus side, I did not have to take a Klonopin yesterday to calm myself down! That's 2 days in the past 9, which is real progress. Prior to the start of this extreme increase in anxiety I rarely took the damn Klonopin...and I do mean rarely - maybe a dozen times in a year. Of course I was still anxious and worrying about the imminent death I was sure awaited me but it wasn't on this scale. This has been awful.

I've been realizing lately that I worry so much but when I actually start to do the thing I'm worrying about I worry less. LESS. It's so weird. So I've told the guy I'm seeing (Matt from here on out) that whole concept in an attempt to help force me to do the things I am avoiding. So we plan on a day away from the house. Since its a holiday I only have minor responsibilities: I had one in-person interview for the research project that I work for (interviewing a potential participant for the study), going to the farm to visit my horse as she was seen by the vet, and getting some reading done so I could prepare my lecture for the class that I teach (Psych 101). Matt and I planned on going to a movie, doing laundry, and whatever else we wanted. The interview went fine. The vet went fine except I felt like I couldn't remember to breath. I kept doing the breathing motions but feeling like I couldn't get in enough air. I came home, ate lunch with Matt, did some laundry, and we took a brief nap. I woke up EXTREMELY agitated and couldn't figure out why. After 10 minutes of pacing I realized my chest was burning and my lungs felt a little closed up. At which point the following internal dialog took place:


Oh, shit. I'm dying.
I can't breathe.
Why are my lungs burning?
I need my inhaler.
Nope, can't take the inhaler. I'm afriad of it.
But it helped last time and I didn't even panic.
But you COULD panic this time.
And what if you aren't having trouble breathing, then you'll be taking unnecessary medication.
If you keep taking unnecessary medication it could kill you.


Matt tries to talk some reason into me. My lungs are probably burning from being out at the barn and inhaling dust and hay and I DO have bronchitis and asthma. I should just take the inhaler. It helped yesterday and I didn't panic then.

And I think:

Oh, sure, Mr. Hotshot. Just go ahead and use your good-old logic on me.
You're too carefree to really understand that this time I'm really suffocating.


I decided it was best we left the house because like I said I tend to worry more if I'm not doing something I planned to do. Only I felt I couldn't sit through a movie, which we had planned to go to earlier. So we took the recycling to the dropoff. On the way, Matt kept bugging the shit out of me to take my inhaler. I finally did. The burning stopped almost instantly. About 5 minutes later my lungs felt more open. I didn't panic or freak out. In fact, since I was moving around I didn't even notice the usual little shakes. Suffocation foiled again.

We went to the mall to return some things and then I dropped him off at his house, which made me EXTREMELY nervous. Being without someone I can trust and talk to scares the crap out of me right now. But I did it. And made it home.

I started crying as soon as I walked in the door. I was hungry so made some food (I've lost about 7 pounds now in 2 weeks from this anxiety) and cried the whole time I ate it. I called Matt and asked him to come back over. I really wanted some comfort.

I CRIED SO HARD. I cried because I am sick of being scared. I am sick of the worries running the show, I am sick of not being able to enjoy anything, I am sick of needing/wanting someone around all the time, I'm sick of the physical symptoms, the weird sensations, the desire to run to the doctor for every ache and pain, the helplessness, the anger, the frustration. I am sick and tired of living this way. And damnit I am going to beat this shit because I can.

During my cry Matt and I talked a lot and I realized and released a lot of pain and sources of my anxiety. I hope to share that soon. For right now I have some more reading to do before I exhaustedly pass out.

"One pf the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important" ~Bertrand Russel

Panic Monster: UNMASKED!!!

PANIC MONSTER - SIDE VIEW

Helpful Website

I came across this website, which has some helpful information on it. Their philosophy seems especially positive and helpful:


Our Philosophy:

1) Full recovery is a realistic and attainable goal.

2) Each person has a healing path that is special and unique.

3) The healing path can be an experience of joy, love, creativity and expansion.


They have a lot of different resources. The thing I know I need to work on the most is feeling safe and secure within myself. Here is an exerpt from their website which puts it beautifully:


On the surface, it seems that we experience feelings of safety because the external circumstances are just right – we are at home, we are with a loved one, etc. On a deeper level though, these feelings of safety, comfort and peace come from within. And, because these feelings come from within, they are always available to us.


On towards being my own safety net!!